The Dating Game (Don’t Be a Pilgrim)
Shows like The Bachelor, The Bachelorette, and many wedding shows related to love, make it hard to believe there is any hate in the world. The issue isn’t because these shows are about love. It’s because they are about finding love, which many can relate to. According to Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs, love and belonging are right in the middle. To some, love is more than a need, it’s an obsession. As a result, many compulsively date hoping to find that special someone no matter the cost.
Causes
In order to find a successful relationship, first you need to resolve the issue that is causing this obsession. There are many causes, but I’m going to go over, in my opinion, the two biggest.
The first cause is getting older. We worry that the older we get, the less attractive we become, and the harder it is to find someone. The fear of ending up alone can be very frightening for some. The problem here is you are basing your relationship completely on looks. Looks are important but should only be your initial attraction, not your primary focus. These relationships never work because they are shallow and looks fade. You need to refocus and view getting older as being more accomplished, mature and experienced, which are all very attractive. Relationships are like a swimming pool. The older you get, the easier it is to get out of the shallow pool and go where it’s deeper.
Another cause would be someone who is finally out of the closet. When you go through life living as something you’re not, it makes it impossible to find love. True love is when someone loves you exactly for who you are. When you are finally out of the closet, the freedom and liberation is very addicting. You finally get a taste of what it feels like to be liked, loved or accepted for who you are. You act like a kid in a candy store, going on several dates in hopes of finding true love, since you haven’t been free to do so before.
The more dates you go on, the more disappointed you get, and you start getting the wrong impression of what it’s like to date as a gay person. The secret here is to relax, know what you want and give the relationship time to blossom.
Also in regards to sex, it is important but not on the first date. Giving it up early normally ruins the chances of the relationship lasting. If this is difficult for you, then take baby steps and set a three date minimum before you sleep with someone you’re interested in.
Setting Standards
It’s true that you have to kiss a lot of frogs to find your prince, but some of us confuse toads for frogs. Unfortunately, some don’t take the time to set any standards because all they care about is if someone likes them or not. They are called STANDards because you underSTAND what you are looking for in your partner, and what you will click with.
Standards really are more about you than the other person. You must look internally to see what qualities you value about yourself, and then look for qualities in your partner that will compliment yours. It’s important to write down qualities that are required and separate those from qualities that you would just like. These required qualities should be found out either before or no later than the first date. If they don’t meet these standards, then don’t settle for them. If you do, then you will always be defending yourself for doing so because you always get less than what you settled for. Remember you are not a pilgrim, and your date is not Plymouth rock, so don’t settle.
The Date
Once you have resolved or at least bettered the underlying issue, you are now ready for “The Dating Game”. People who make it to this step normally mess it up because they go into the date trying to fall in love with the person instead of just getting to know them. Love takes time to develop. A lot of people confuse feelings of infatuation with feelings of love. A crush can be exciting, but it isn’t love. Once you are lucky enough to fall in love, you will then know exactly what it is.
Another issue is some people treat the date like a job interview. Unless you plan on paying to have this person date you, which would equate out to prostitution, then keep it more casual. Ask questions but keep them in the context and flow of the conversation.
Letting Love Find You
In conclusion, some of us want to fall in love so badly that we are constantly searching for it. It’s true that love is a treasure, but you shouldn’t go searching for it. This puts too much pressure on it, and most people don’t work well under pressure. Instead keep yourself open for love and you will find it naturally.
Set standards and only date people that meet them. Dates are better to be qualitative instead of quantitative. A few good dates are better than several bad ones. When it comes to love and dating remember this, trying to find love doesn’t mean dating everyone. You aren’t a calendar so you shouldn’t have so many dates.
