We have heard all our lives that there is someone out there that is perfect for us. Bedtime stories and Hollywood movies made us believe in soulmates. Now that is a novel idea. As of 2011, there are 7 billion people on the planet, up from 5 billion in 1987. Is it possible to believe that, out of more than 2 billion humans that were born during the last few decades, there is but one destined to make our eyes brighten at the sight of their smile? Is no one capable of weathering the inconsistencies of our confused lives but a single soul? What if we miss our chance?

Love of an object, action or person is brought to existence by the ending result of bliss. If the cycles we invest in something or someone result in an greater amount of happiness than that which was attained in previous ventures, our brain will instantly recognize this action and strive to replicate it as much as possible. This is our nature.

The First Reason We Love Him (The Wrong Reason)

It is commonly assumed that the best option is the one not so easily attained. Young love is often a longing for the feeling of privilege, of having something undeserved. Someone richer. Someone prettier. Someone, for lack of a more appropriate term, better than us.

Once discovered, this person is the object of our unfaltering love. We have convinced ourselves that it is the best we will ever know, and thus the reason we exist is to ensure the survival of this bond. After all, we cannot be more than we are, and he will never be less than he is, which brings us to the first reason we love him.

This reason is good enough for us. It proves to our logic that we have strived beyond our pitifully granted existence to be a part of something, someone, greater than ourselves. This, however, unfortunately cannot endure as it is, because the “greater” will see the “lesser” and become immediately dissatisfied for the same reasons in reverse. Once this realization occurs, though it may take years, the bond is already severed. The roles have been labeled and resulting outcome has been sealed.

When Love Dissolves

The moment our heart was broken by a first true love, a parent or best friend at the time was there to reassure us that, in time, this inconceivable churning in our soul will fade. Eventually it did, however slightly, and we found ourselves in a constant struggle to find a balance between love and hurt. We bring our wall down just enough to let someone peak over, keeping that safe distance learned through bitter experience. Basic instinct will not allow us to shed our proud coat of armor, baring soft flesh to the sting of love’s swift lash, still so permanently ingrained in our memory.

In the moment of first love lost, our brains retain only a few basic situational elements. The experience imprints a feeling of loss and despair that we will spend the remainder of our lives trying to avoid. Logic also convinces us that, since he, him, our love, has moved on unscathed from this defining moment, he must have it all figured out. In essence, the single target of our infatuation has now become what we strive to be.

Discovering the Second Reason (The Right Reason)

Some spend years, perhaps a lifetime, in this newly found safe zone. We have defined a battle line to guard against the pain we are hard-wired to avoid. We settle. We take the easiest method that has the most reliable outcome. Our insecurity has taken the wheel and initiated survival cruise control.

This is a growing phase, one which invariably leads to the second reason we love him. This second reason is not so different than the first, yet at the same time, infinitely separate in so many ways. For rather than loving him for being what we cannot be, or for having what we cannot attain, we have discovered something new. It comes upon us as a vibrant colorwheel, consuming us with a powerful and instant rush of energy—a morphine drip to our soul.

We found someone that knows everything about us and still sees us as perfect, though perfect cannot exist. We found someone that smiles when we make them happy, and yells when we make them mad. We found someone that, after hours of intense debate of worldly things, wants ice cream and a cuddle nap. We found someone who accepts us and inspires us, somehow achieved together in one fell swoop. We don’t love him because he is better. We love him because he gives us the strength, the aspiration, to become better.